I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
