there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
