The maid of honor just puked.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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