Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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