Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
