I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
