Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
barbara walters just said penis...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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