Dude my mom stole all your condoms
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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