and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Be still, my beating vagina.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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