just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
