i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
