I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize