I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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