The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
