chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
