So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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