i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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