why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
