last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
