My cat gives me a boner
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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