I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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