life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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