a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up under a house in Key West
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