Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
