I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
