Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize