she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
