2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
