Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
