This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
