So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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