He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
