Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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