We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
