god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
