I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
