Jerry, you need to find god
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
no you cant smoke seaweed
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
