dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize