My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
