your parents love me but you hate me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
