Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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