i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
