god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
