i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
