I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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