Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
