so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
