I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
