Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
