what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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