i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
