I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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