and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
