he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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