I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
