I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
