you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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