I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
