so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
